Bereavement and remembering during coronavirus

As we deal with the coronavirus pandemic our top priority is your safety. Because of this we are no longer able to arrange appointments at our Sydenham site. We will be able to provide support over the telephone and a member of staff will be in touch to arrange this with you.

The Candle Child Bereavement Service at St Christopher’s has a wealth of experience supporting children who are bereaved unexpectedly. With the outbreak of coronavirus, bereaved children and those who support them have to recognise a sudden death alongside managing the possibility of other family members being seriously ill and of having to isolate from close family or friends. Attending a funeral or taking part in a memorial event isn’t possible, so there is an additional impact on bereavement in the lack of opportunity to grieve or mourn collectively.

To ensure we continue to offer support, we have reshaped our service; no longer having face to face contact with those referred to us. Most of our work is done over the phone and we are looking to trial video calling if children and their adult carers ask us to use it.

‘Shine a Light’ – light a candle and remember

The opportunity to take time once a week to focus on the person who has died, light a candle and remember them is a valuable way to enable grief and mourning to be expressed openly and shared with others in similar situations.

Taking part in a collective act, even if others participating can’t be seen, matters. Making meaning of all the events which happen to us throughout life is important. Having the chance to make meaning in this simple way – remembering a life and the importance of the person who has died – is one way to allow grief to be expressed.

You may wish to attend our ‘Remembering together’ weekly events where you can remember your family member or friend. The 10 minute event is held in the St Christopher’s Pilgrim Room and is live streamed via Zoom.

You may also wish to take part in the national ‘Shine a Light’ weekly event. At 9pm every Saturday evening, the nation will light a torch, candle or fairy lights in their doorways or windows to remember all of those who are sick or have lost their lives to Covid-19 and their loved ones.

What we offer

St Christopher’s has been providing bereavement counselling to patients’ families for over 40 years. Our Candle Child Bereavement Service extends this support to all children, young people and their families in the south east London area. We also offer specialist training, advice and consultancy services to schools and other agencies working with children facing bereavement.

The effects of bereavement

All of us face an enormous challenge when someone close to us dies or is very ill. At such times it can feel very hard to know how best to help children and young people affected by the loss.

Many adults try to protect children when a death occurs. We sometimes hope that by not talking about it we can shield children from sadness and pain. We may feel overwhelmed by our own feelings of grief and anxious about making things worse for the children by doing or saying ‘the wrong thing’.

In fact, children always find out when something so important is happening and many feel hurt and left out if they have not been told directly. Attempts to protect children from the truth usually leave them confused and alone with their questions, fears and powerful feelings.

How we can help adults and children

Just like adults, children react to death in different ways at different times. They may seem to be sad, very naughty, or not to care at all. They may have behaviour or concentration problems at school or home, difficulties with eating or sleeping and feel very anxious or guilty. It can sometimes be difficult to find a way to explain what has happened, to cope with their questions and to manage their behaviour.

We cannot prevent children from feeling sad, angry and hurt, but if we talk to them and include them in what is going on, we can give them our support and understanding.

Children and young people facing loss need:

• Information about what has happened and why, and what is likely to happen next
• Reassurance that they are not to blame for what has happened and that they will be cared for
• An opportunity to express their feelings and to make choices about their involvement in rituals such as the funeral
• Adults who share their feelings and allow children to offer comfort as well as to receive it
• Strategies to help them cope with changed circumstances.

Help provided to a child in bereavement can prevent serious problems later in life.

What does Candle offer?

One to one and group counselling for any child or young person in south east London experiencing loss through death.

Training, advice and consultancy for local schools and health care professionals.

Advice service for parents and professional carers.

How do you ask for help?

Any parent, carer, teacher or health care professional can make a referral. Young people over 16 can refer themselves.