Mother’s Day Reflection

Hear from Pippa, who reflects about her mum who has advanced dementia.

Pippa Moss, Senior Education Support Officer at St Christopher’s CARE, reflects on Mother’s Day when her mother has advanced dementia.

I wrote about my mother in August 2022. On this Mother’s Day I wanted to reflect again on where we are and my feelings. There are a lot of feelings!

My mother’s Alzheimer’s has advanced so much since August 2022. She now needs hoisting, sits in a wheelchair all day and hardly talks. It’s getting harder to get a smile. She may vaguely have known us in 2022, now I would say she has no idea who we are. But she looks well, still enjoys food – especially a biscuit and a cup of tea. She can even still hold and drink it as I watch the wobbly cup nervously.

Music is less effective these days and it feels a while since I got her wonderful shoulder shimmy to Abba.

So this Mother’s Day I had the guilty choice of a two-hour commute to her care home and back – for her not to know it is Mother’s Day and that her daughter is visiting – or to enjoy my day with my own children.

Luckily my sister lives near the care home and will take her twin boys (very popular with the staff and residents!) to visit. I am so grateful that my sister and I can share the visits between us, we both find it harder but we are also building bonds with some of the other residents. Getting smiles and a chat from them is lovely too.

When I think about my Mum on Mother’s Day – oh sorry Mum, I mean ‘Mothering Sunday’ as she always liked it referred to – I think about how I’d love to be able to go to church with her, sing hymns together and give her a big thank you hug and one of those little daffodil posies. Like we used to.

When I chat with her on my visits, I often just thank her out loud for everything she’s done for me, thank her for being a marvellous Mum for all those years, how proud I was of all her achievements, how well she did to turn out me, my sister and brother into happy adults – all, in my opinion, living her values.

With Mum having been such a social person with many close female friends, I set up a WhatsApp group called ‘Sally’s Girls’. Many of these ladies visit Mum too and we share happy photos, how she is doing and any little breakthroughs from the visit. One of my best visits was some months back when I danced in the garden in front of her and she said with a smile, “You are a funny girl.” I loved that so much.

I work at St Christopher’s CARE as a Senior Education Support Officer, and I have attended all our dementia training (in a support role but of course I listen too!). This has helped over the years to increase my understanding of this disease and to learn a few ‘tricks of the trade’ – I am not clinical but of course carers and family all work together with dementia.

If you are reading this and relating to this then I don’t need to tell you about this disease of the long goodbye, and how painful it can be for the family.

On Mother’s Day I will do all the remembering for you Mum – so many lovely memories of who you once were. We will be beside you as much as we can right until the end – I’m sorry I won’t be beside you on Mothering Sunday but I’ll be there another day soon which will be special anyway because I’ll look in your eyes, stroke your hands, and send love right into your soul and somewhere in your fuddled mind you will feel it.