Perhaps the most telling sign of the family’s positive experience of St Christopher’s, is their desire to return regularly.
When young married couple Nina and Matthew were looking for a new home in south-east London 18 years ago, the presence of St Christopher’s, just a 20-minute walk away, didn’t really register on their list of essential, or even nice to have, amenities.
Now, two years after Matthew died at the hospice and following the support the family has received, Nina is forever thankful they chose to live just a mile away.
“When we moved here, I never thought about how it would be good to live near a nice hospice,” Nina says.
That support has been holistic and encompassed the whole family – including their daughters, now aged 14 and seven.
Alongside the ‘warm, kind and supportive care’ the whole family received when Matthew was on the in-patient unit in autumn 2023, it’s younger daughter Seri’s positive experience of her six sessions with a counsellor from St Christopher’s Candle bereavement service that has really stood out for Nina.
“She was getting distressed and anxious and not sleeping well. She was also reticent about opening up and talking to people about it. I wasn’t sure how it would go with the therapist, but Anne is a miracle worker. Seri adores her and they immediately built an amazing rapport.
“They did arts and crafts and talked about her feelings. The difference in just one session was unbelievable. She really enjoyed it because she felt so safe and warm.
“It’s helped her open up and talk about difficult feelings and emotions. It’s been transformative – and really helped with her anxiety and sleeping.”
Perhaps the most telling sign of the family’s positive experience of St Christopher’s, is their desire to return regularly.
“What’s really surprised me, based on what I’d expected from a hospice, is how much the girls love going there. They feel connected to their Dad there and it’s comforting to see people they know. Some people might think St Christopher’s would be a place of sadness, but to us it’s a place of warmth, love and comfort. It’s two years since Matthew died and they still like going there .”
Those feelings contrast somewhat with Nina’s initial response when Matthew was referred to St Christopher’s earlier in 2023.
“It felt very surreal. Matthew had cancer but was outwardly presenting as a reasonably healthy man in his 40s. I don’t think we really understood everything that being referred entailed. I now realise it was good to be introduced into the ‘St Christopher’s family’ early.”
That early introduction allowed Matthew the opportunity to get to know the doctors, nurses, physios and pastoral team as well as acquaint himself with the surroundings, before he became more seriously unwell.
“The first time he went there, Matthew said, ‘it’s so nice here’. It wasn’t a scary austere depressing place. It felt more like a nice warm, community centre.”
Matthew was able to access physiotherapy and, critically, Nina says, emotional support from Andrew Goodhead, St Christopher’s chaplain, as well as a psychotherapist.
“Matthew was able to talk about the complexity of his feelings in a philosophical way with Andrew and the psychotherapist to work thorough those issues”.
The physical environment on the inpatient unit, where Matthew was admitted in September 2023, also helped the whole family feel comfortable, Nina remembers.
“It was amazing. We were navigating something so unknown and difficult, and the doctors and nurses were so supportive, kind and practical.
“He was in and out a bit, but he had his own room that they kept for him. And the nurses were so affectionate to the girls who would come in to see him before school and then again later in the day.
“Seri turned five while Matthew was there and he was too ill to go home, so Andrew arranged for us to be able to use the Pilgrim room where we could have presents and cake and everyone sprung into action to make it like a normal birthday celebration.
“It was wonderful and it’s those little things that are really important.”
Nina treasures the last photograph she took of Matthew, who was a keen tennis player, as he looked out over the neighbouring tennis club with their beloved dog at his side.
“We have lovely warm memories right up until the end,” she adds.
It’s the support from the Candle bereavement service and the monthly Parent Carer Support Group that Nina attends that she believes will help her and her daughters move forward positively.
“The parent group has been unbelievably helpful for me. Being with both an expert and other parents at different stages has given me the insight and support to be the parent my kids need.
“Matthew and I were conscious that the trauma of a parent dying can have a significant long term adverse effect on a child’s life, but that the right support can really help their resilience. We wanted to do everything we could in this heartbreaking situation to make sure that his death was not something that- in stark terms – ruined their lives. I’ve seen the positive difference Candle can make to these young children who are young, suffering and confused to help them keep going.
“What’s really special about Candle is that in just a few sessions it helps children learn processes, work things through and feel stronger and cared for. That is really special.”
Nina’s daughter, as with most St Christopher’s patients, had a six session programme with Candle.
Nina attends Candle’s monthly Parent Carer Support Group.
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